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Rainbows, storms, and sunshine

My husband, Jay, and I found out we were pregnant in September of 2015, we had been trying for a few months, and could not be happier. The pregnancy was going great. I felt wonderful, and we could not wait to find out if we'd be having a baby girl or baby boy!!! In January we went in for our twenty week sonogram, where we would finally find out what we were having. Within seconds of beginning the sono, we could clearly see that we were having a sweet baby boy. My husband was beaming, picturing all the things he would get to do with his son. We finished up, went into the exam room, and waited for the doctor. He came in a few minutes later and told us that he did not like what he was seeing in the pictures. That our son had a cleft lip/pallet, no nose, was missing part of his brain, etc... It seemed like an out of body experience, and I think I had stopped listening at that point. He wanted us to see a specialist the following day to get a better look, and then decide if we wanted to continue with the pregnancy. That night was one of the longest nights of our lives. I thought that there could be nothing worse than the wait. I was very, very wrong. We went to the specialist the following afternoon, and sat in the waiting room with my heart pounding for what felt like forever. The sonographer took a long time going over every inch of our little boy as we watched him dance across the screen. The specialist came in and cried with us as she confirmed all of my doctor's findings, along with a major heart defect, problems with his kidneys, and other vital organs. I asked what this all meant for our little boy, and she said that it meant he would have a very short lifespan. "Short, how short?" I asked, and she said, "Maybe an hour." Jay and I were devastated and heart broken. Both doctors brought up terminating the pregnancy, but my husband and I could not fathom shortening Xander's already short little life. We decided to enjoy every movement, kick, and hiccup. With the knowledge we had, we could move forward with the pregnancy and not take one minute for granted. I wasn't expected to carry Xander through the second trimester, but no one told him that. His heartbeat was strong through the entire pregnancy, and he continued to be extremely active. Xander Xavier was born on May 3rd, 2016, and was the most beautiful baby we had ever laid eyes on. He came out screaming and fought so very, very hard for 8 ½ days. Very early in the morning of May 12th he took his last breath in our arms. It was the most heart retching and beautiful moment of my life. He impacted more lives in those 8 1/2 days, than most of us do in a lifetime.

The following December, the day after Christmas, my husband and I found out we were pregnant again. We were nervous, but extremely excited, we had so much hope wrapped up in this pregnancy. The first appointment went well, they found a heartbeat and we felt a little relief. Our next appointment was on Valentine's Day. My doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the Doppler so he took us over to the sono machine. Within seconds I saw the look come over my provider’s face… The look that says, “How do I tell these people that they have lost another baby?” I asked him what was wrong, and he said that he couldn’t find a heartbeat, and I just started to sob. Jay and I just couldn’t believe that we had lost another one. I had had a missed miscarriage, and had to have a D&C. It was such a different loss than Xander. With Xander we had pictures, and memories, and with this baby I just felt empty and felt like I had nothing left of this sweet baby I loved for two months. We found out a couple of weeks after the procedure that the baby I was carrying was another boy, and we will forever hold him in our hearts.

Then, in July of 2017 we found out we were pregnant again. It was the longest 38 weeks of my life. As excited as we were about the arrival of our little boy we were nervous wrecks, me in particular. I always felt like I just wanted to get through this appointment, or this milestone, constantly counting kicks, and feeling an overwhelming sense of needing to just get him here. On March 15th we gave birth to the most wonderful, precious, and joy filled baby boy, Kaleb Xander, who is now 18 months old. He is truly our sunshine, and he has healed our hearts in so many ways. He makes us smile constantly, and could not be a bigger delight to everyone he meets.

In January we found out we were pregnant again! The kids were going to be 18 months apart, so things were going to get wild, but we were SO excited. We found out we had lost the baby in February at our sonogram, we never got to hear a heartbeat.

On January 20 Gavin Xavier, joined our family, and grew our hearts once again. He is different than Kaleb in almost everyway. He keeps us on our toes, gets into everything, and cracks us up with his sweet, mischievous smile.

Now I'm pregnant again with our fourth baby boy!!! Olivier Alejandro will be arriving sometime in July of this year, and we can't wait to become a family of five.

Losing our babies has been the hardest thing imaginable, but it makes us cherish every moment with Kaleb and Gavin, no matter how challenging toddlers can be. Xander taught us to love at a whole other level we didn't even know was possible. God taught us so many lessons through our losses, and for that I am extremely grateful. Through sadness comes great beauty, and oh how beautiful it is to bask in our rainbows.


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